We're Not All There
And now I'd like to do another traditional Canadian song that we wrote.
We came here to work and to play.
We came a hundred years ago. We came yesterday.
We came to a brand new nation.
We came through customs and immigration.
We came from England and France.
We crossed the Bering Straits without any pants to the land where the wild bees hopped.
We came here to build and we came here to bunk.
We're all here, we're all here with the moose and the bear.
We're all here, we're all here in our long underwear.
We're all here, we're all here and what do we share?
We're all here because we're not all there.
We're all here in Canada, a wonderful country.
Canada where the fathers of confederation got together with the mothers of invention to create the kids in the hall.
Canada, the whole of the moose, the goose and the loony.
Yes, Stephen Hopper, Jack Leighton and Stephane Dion all lived in Canada.
And there they were, they were all at it again, weren't they?
They were all at it again, making us play Pin the Tail with Anki one more time.
We fell for those lines, do you want it done right or do you want us to do it?
We're not satisfied, so you're not satisfied.
All right, God, it seems like only two years ago I woke up with an election.
It's true, I did. I stood as an independent.
As a matter of fact, I thought I was going to get in.
Well, I didn't lose my deposit.
We love our politics here in Canada.
There you are, the full text of a recent speech by Jim Sett.
Oh, politics, Canada, Ottawa. Rick and I often go to Ottawa to see our government, your government, in action.
That's one word, in action.
All you see is talk. They even have a speech from the throne.
I'm not impressed, we have that at my house.
The call is the same.
There's no paper!
We go to Ottawa, we see the corridors of power.
Did you know the corridors of power have a white line painted down the middle so the people coming in late don't bump into the people leaving early?
You know that?
The corridors of power are populated by the Mandarin's of the civil service who make it their business to keep the business of Canada going.
Exporting and importing and sending ordinance to our troops serving abroad.
They recently sent a shipment of something called the Civil Service Missile.
Troops were confused.
They said, what's the Civil Service Missile?
They said, well, I don't know, but it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
Civil Service Missile.
Work with me people.
We love our politics.
They do, although I don't know why we bombarded them all, we're all basically the same word.
Fiscally conservative and socially liberal, according to the recently polls.
That means apparently that we're cheap and we like to sleep around.
Having them in the middle, trying to make that choice.
Trying to make that choice.
It was a strange election.
The result like it was like an NDP race.
Everybody won but there was no prizes.
It was sad.
One size fits all.
Oh well, the good news, the government's paralyzed.
We love to travel all over Canada.
We go to the far north.
We've been a little tiny airlines like calm air.
It's editing but calm.
When we flew last, there was a guy running around screaming, man, this never meant to fly.
He wouldn't stop until I strapped him in the pilot's seat.
Finally, it was about.
When we landed, they said that bump you felt that wasn't the pilot's fault, that wasn't the crew's fault.
That was the asphalt.
You can have too much WestJet sometimes.
It was calm air.
There was no movie you just watched your life pass before your eyes.
No wrecking experience.
One time, we flew Air India.
There was no food service.
They made us go begging first class.
That's a wonderful thing.
You know, we traveled and we were nervous.
He went nervous.
By the time we finally hit civilization, the first thing we wanted to do was have a drink.
Believe it or not, there were flight attendants in the bar.
Off-duty flight attendants.
I said, Rick, what do you think?
Can I buy you ladies a drink?
The first one says 99%.
What about you, Miss?
Can I buy you a drink?
She says, no, merci.
I said, Air France.
I said, what about you, Miss?
She says, drop dead, jerk.
Oh, yeah, financial carrier.
We left the travel.
We go to Northern Ontario where the people are friendly.
They even use a friendly.
They say to us, use their friendly.
We go to, is that the way we talk here in Cornwall?
I don't know.
That joke we used to do was, did you fart?
No, it's Cornwall.
You can't say that anymore, can you?
Price of gas at some of it was terrible though, wasn't it?
I went to a gas station and I said, five dollars worth of gas.
The guy just farted and gave me a receipt.
That's jokes that were going around.
He said fart twice.
Is that allowed here?
We looked, we've been to Toronto.
And this is the man I love.
I love him.
I love him, nothing.
Even in Toronto.
Yeah, we stood there at the corner, been there at Dundas.
Watching the parade.
Same sex marriage, yay, yay.
I've been in the same sex marriage for years.
The sex is always the same.
You know, it's what?
It's probably my fault.
Well, everything else is, apparently.
What do you have to do?
No, I married Mrs. Wright.
I just didn't know it was always.
But if you want to keep your relationship alive,
you have to remember to say those three little words
that mean so much, especially before you make love.
You say those three little words.
Are you awake?
It works like a charm.
At my house, the other night,
Jackson looked around to see who it was.
Exciting for all three of us.
We loved it, we've been in Winnipeg.
And people in Montreal said,
don't go to Winnipeg, there's nothing there
but hookers and hockey players.
Hey, wait a minute.
My mother's from Winnipeg.
Oh, I'm sorry, what team does she play for?
There, a Canadian joke.
That is a Canadian joke.
Let's do another Canadian joke.
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
To get to the middle.
How do you get a hundred drunk Canadians
out of a pool on a hot summer day?
You say, would you please get out of the pool?
What is the CH in the middle of the ice
at the Bell Centre in Montreal stand for?
Where's the Red Light District in Toronto?
Behind the Maple Leafs net.
Oh, I love it.
We were in Saskatchewan.
Oh, they love Canadian jokes in Saskatchewan.
They say this, welcome to Saskatchewan
where no man can fall to his death.
Saskatchewan, the only province of grimes
with scratch and wind.
I'm proud of it.
Welcome to Regina, the city that grimes with fun.
That's actually a bumper sting.
We were in a show in Regina
and it was called the Regina monologues.
They can't get enough and that's a good joke.
Brother, people are neither Swift nor curd.
They're not even for nerd jokes.
They love them.
Oh, they've got this new system in Swift curd.
You've heard about the green shift, you know,
which is like you're recycling your wastewater
and separating brown water from bad water
and good water.
So now they're making, in Swift curd,
they're using sewage water and turning it into snow.
And they've now got little ski hills
and the signs say, welcome to Swift curd.
If you've got the skis, we've got the runs.
We went to, we went to Alberta.
Alberta, we were, oh yes,
they love Quebecers in Alberta.
Oh yeah, right.
You're from Quebec.
Well, the only thing wrong with French immersion
is they don't hold them under long enough.
Yes, don't applaud.
No Trudeau fans out west.
Oh, we were in Red Deer and I said to my wife,
look, it's Red Deer.
She said, I'm not surprised.
You're playing with it all the time.
Well, at least it is an orange.
The way it gets pretty, we eat cheeses and what?
Well, you already know that joke.
Oh boy, that was way ahead of me.
It was horrible.
We were in British Columbia and some smoked salmon.
They all spoke absolutely anything in British Columbia.
Fish, they don't care.
I thought I was getting a tan.
It was rust.
We went back to Quebec.
Of course, in Montreal, it's not supposed to be bilingual,
but everyone's sort of.
They're even making those languages.
I don't have a chance to do that.
Let's go cool.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice day, Marshal Mark.
You can get jobs in Brussels these people, you know.
And it confuses the tourists.
They go to a swimming pool.
The side says, kiss in.
We went to New Brunswick
and they go one better than Quebec there.
They speak both official languages at the same time.
They have a language called Shaq.
Yeah, New Brunswick called the sack as a vasectomy.
Perotif is a set of dentures.
Gupta grass is the lawnmower.
Yeah, Jean Dark means there's no light in the washroom.
Cart blanched means somebody take blanched holes.
La Petite shows means your fly is open.
Oh, boy, we're in Nova Scotia
and they love Kate Breton jokes in Nova Scotia.
Here's one they told us,
okay, Guy and Kate Breton goes to collect his Pogie check.
All Kate Breton jokes start like that.
Guy and Kate Breton goes to collect his Pogie check
and he says to the counter guy,
I want you to know I'm real embarrassed
I'd rather have a job.
Counter guy says, as it happens,
a job came in this morning,
perhaps you'd like to do it.
He says it's an extraordinary opportunity.
The job requires that you drive
around the beautiful daughter
of a very wealthy man
in a Mercedes limousine.
It pays 200,000 a year.
You're kidding me.
Counter man says, boy, you started it.
We're going to get letters from P.E.I. about this.
We didn't say anything about this man
or green cables.
We went to Newfoundland.
That's how you pronounce it, Newfoundland.
And there was this couple arguing,
I went for a place.
He says, well, there's only two of us.
He had a big black eye.
I said, what happened?
He said, I got a case of senus.
I said, oh, you mean sinus?
He says, no, senus.
I was with buddy's wife and buddy's senus.
So anyway, one thing we're all proud of
is our healthcare system in Canada.
We're very proud that we have one.
It's not perfect.
It's a little flawed.
It's a bit like a hospital gown.
You only think you're covered.
We're all here because we're not all there.
He knows a lot of jokes.
The cold weather is approaching.
Yes, it is.
And the cold weather approaches amends.
Fancy turns to Cuba.