And now I'd like to do another traditional Canadian song that we wrote.

We came here to work and to play.
We came a hundred years ago, we came yesterday.
We came to a brand new nation.
We came through customs and immigration.
We came from England and France.
We crossed the Bering Straits without any pants
To the land where the wild geese honk
We came here to build, and we came here to bunk.

We're all here, we're all here with the moose and the bear.
We're all here, we're all here in our long underwear.
We're all here, we're all here and what do we share?
We're all here because we're not all there.

We're all here in Canada, a wonderful country.
Canada, where the Fathers of Confederation got together with the Mothers of Invention to create the Kids in the Hall.
Canada, the home of the moose, the goose and the loony.
Yes, Stephen Harper, Jack Layton and Stephane Dion all live in Canada.
And there they were, they were all at it again, weren't they?
They were all at it again, making us play Pin the Tail with Donkey one more time.
We fell for those lines: "do you want it done right or do you want us to do it?"
"We're not satisfied, until you're not satisfied."
All right. God, it seems like only two years ago I woke up with an election.
It's true, I did. I stood as an independent.
As a matter of fact, I thought I was going to get in.
But I lost my deposit.
We love our politics here in Canada.
Quebec Quebec Quebec Quebec
There you are, the full text of a recent speech by Gilles Duceppe
Ah, politics. Canada, Ottawa.
Rick and I often go to Ottawa to see our government, your government, in action.
That's one word, in action.
All you see is talk. They even have a Speech from the Throne.
I'm not impressed, we have that at my house. It sounds the same. "There's no paper!"
We go to Ottawa, to see the corridors of power.
Did you know the corridors of power have a white line painted down the middle so the people coming in late don't bump into the people leaving early?
You know that?
The corridors of power are populated by the Mandarins of the civil service who make it their business to keep the business of Canada going.
Exporting and importing and sending ordnance to our troops serving abroad.
They recently sent a shipment of something called the Civil Service Missile.
Troops were confused.
They said,
"what's the Civil Service Missile?"
They said, "well, I don't know, but it doesn't work and it can't be fired."
Civil Service Missile.
Work with me, people.
We love our politics.
We do, although I don't know why we bother with them all, we're all basically the same.
We're all fiscally conservative and socially liberal, according to the recently polls.
That means, apparently, that we're cheap and we like to sleep around.
Hovering in the middle, trying to make that choice.
Trying to make that choice.
It was a strange election.
The result was like an NDP race.
Everybody won but there was no prizes.
It was sad.
One size fits all.
Oh well, the good news, the government's paralyzed.
Great.
We love to travel all over Canada.
We go to the far north.
We've been little tiny airlines like Calm Air.
It's anything but calm.
When we flew last, there was a guy running around screaming: "Man was never meant to fly!"
He wouldn't stop until they strapped him in ... to the pilot's seat.
Finally, it was aloft.
When we landed, they said: "that bump you felt - that wasn't the pilot's fault, that wasn't the crew's fault.
That was the asphalt."
Really.
You can have too much WestJet sometimes.
It was Calm Air.
There was no movie - you just watched your life pass before your eyes.
One time, we flew Air India.
There was no food service.
They made us go begging first class.
What?
That's a wonderful thing.
You know, we traveled and we were nervous.
By the time we finally hit civilization, the first thing we wanted to do was have a drink.
Believe it or not, there were flight attendants in the bar.
Off-duty flight attendants.
I said: "Can I buy you ladies a drink?
The first one says "Nein Danke." I said, "ah - Lufthansa.
"What about you, Miss -
Can I buy you a drink?"
She says: "Non, merci."
I said: "Ah. Air France."
I said: "What about you, Miss?"
She says: "Drop dead, jerk."
"Ah. Air Canada!"
We love to travel.
We go to Northern Ontario where the people are friendly.
Yes.
They're even user friendly.
They say to us: "youse are friendly."
We go to ... is that the way we talk here in Cornwall?
I don't know. That joke we used to do was: "did you fart?" "No, it's Cornwall."
You can't say that anymore, can you?
My golly.
Price of gas at some of it was terrible though, wasn't it?
I went to a gas station and I said, "Give me five dollars worth of gas."
The guy just farted and gave me a receipt.
That's jokes that were going around.
(He said "fart" twice. Is that allowed here?)
Look ... we've been to Toronto.
Yeah, we stood there at the corner of Bindere and Dundas.
Watching a parade.
"Same sex marriage, yay, yay!"
I've been in the same sex marriage for years.
The sex is always the same.
You know, it's probably my fault.
Well, everything else is, apparently.
I married Mrs. Wright.
I just didn't know it was ... always.
But if you want to keep your relationship alive,
you have to remember to say those three little words that mean so much, especially before you make love.
You say those three little words.
"Are you awake?"
It works like a charm.
At my house, the other night,
She looked around to see who it was.
It was exciting ... for all three of us.
Now, please.
Whatever.
We loved it, we've been in Winnipeg.
And people in Montreal said: "don't go to Winnipeg, there's nothing there but hookers and hockey players!"
- Hey, wait a minute. My mother's from Winnipeg.
Oh, I'm sorry, what team does she play for?
There, a Canadian joke. That is a Canadian joke.
Let's do another Canadian joke.
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
Why?
To get to the middle.
How do you get a hundred drunk Canadians
out of a pool on a hot summer day?
You say, would you please get out of the pool?
What is the CH in the middle of the ice at the Bell Centre in Montreal stand for?
Centre Hice.
What? What?
Canadian jokes.
Where's the Red Light District in Toronto?
Behind the Maple Leafs net.
Yes!
Canadian jokes.
Oh, I love it.
We were in Saskatchewan.
Oh, they love Canadian jokes in Saskatchewan.
They say this, welcome to Saskatchewan - where no man can fall to his death.
Saskatchewan. The only province that rhymes with scratch and win.
And proud of it.
Welcome to Regina, the city that rhymes with "fun."
That's actually a bumper sticker ...
We were in a show in Regina and it was called the Regina monologues.
They can't get enough and that's a good joke.
Swift Current, where the people are neither swift, nor current.
They love them.
Oh, they've got this new system in Swift Current
You've heard about the green shift, you know, which is like you're recycling your wastewater
and separating brown water from bad water and good water.
So now they're making, in Swift Current, they're using sewage water and turning it into snow.
True. And they've now got little ski hills, and the signs say,
"welcome to Swift Current - if you've got the skis, we've got the runs!"
Not true.
We went to, we went to Alberta.
Alberta, we were, oh yes,
they love Quebecers in Alberta.
Oh yeah, right.
"You're from Quebec - well, the only thing wrong with French immersion is
They don't hold them under long enough!"
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, don't applaud. It's shameful. It's disgraceful.
No Trudeau fans out west.
Oh, we were in Red Deer and I said to my wife,
"look, it's Red Deer."
She said, "I'm not surprised. You play with it all the time."
Well, at least it isn't orange.
The way it gets when I eat Cheezies and watch TV.
Well, you already know that joke.
We were in British Columbia and we had some smoked salmon.
They all smoke absolutely anything in British Columbia. Fish ... they don't care.
I thought I was getting a tan - It was rust.
We went back to Quebec.
Of course, in Montreal, it's not supposed to be bilingual, but it is.
And it confuses the tourists. They go to a swimming pool. The sign says, "Piscine."
We went to New Brunswick
And they go one better than Quebec there - they speak both official languages at the same time.
They have a language called Shaq.
Yeah, in New Brunswick a cul de sac is a vasectomy.
Aperitif is a set of dentures.
A coupe de grace is a lawnmower.
Yeah, Jeanne d'Arc means there's no light in the washroom.
Carte blanche means "somebody take Blanche home."
La Petite Chose means your fly is open.
Oh, boy, we were in Nova Scotia - and they love Cape Breton jokes in Nova Scotia.
Here's one they told us,
A guy in Cape Breton goes to collect his Pogie check. (All Cape Breton jokes start like that.)
A guy in Cape Breton goes to collect his Pogie check
and he says to the counter guy, "I want you to know I'm real embarrassed. I'd rather have a job."
Counter guy says: "as it happens, a job came in this morning. Perhaps you'd like to do it.
He says "it's an extraordinary opportunity. The job requires that you drive around the beautiful daughter
of a very wealthy man in a Mercedes limousine. It pays $200,000 a year."
"You're kidding me."
Counter man says, "well, you started it."
Newfoundland, Newfoundland.
We're going to get letters from P.E.I. about this. We didn't say anything about Ann of Green Gables.
We went to Newfoundland. That's how you pronounce it, Newfoundland.
Newfoundland.
And there was this couple arguing,
"I want foreplay."
He says, "well, there's only two of us."
He had a big black eye.
I said, what happened?
He said, "I got a case of seenus."
I said, "oh, you mean sinus?"
He says, "no, seenus.
I was with buddy's wife and buddy seen us."
So anyway, one thing we're all proud of is our healthcare system in Canada.
We're very proud that we have one.
It's not perfect. It's a little flawed.
It's flawed. It's a bit like a hospital gown.
You only think you're covered.

We're all here because we're not all there.

He knows a lot of jokes.
The cold weather is approaching.
Yes, it is.
And as the cold weather approaches a man's fancy turns to Cuba.