I was watching TV one night in my home
In my cozy Westmount encampment
When I saw a young woman whose name was Louise
Complaining that English was rampant

Rampant, I thought, what on earth does she mean?
My thesaurus says excessive and rank
Unbridled and wanton, luxuriant and raging
I've been a bad boy, I should be spanked

I wrote her a letter, I said: "we must meet
Even though we've had no introduction
I'm ready to throw myself down at your feet
If you'll give me some private instruction."

"Louise," I wrote, "please meet me tonight,"
She replied: "never, 'stie!"
I was excited, but just to be sure
I said: "Neuf heures? Or neuf heures et demi?"

Louise, Louise, I'm down on my knees
I've been bad and now I'm confessing
I'm loose and immoral, I failed my French oral
Please won't you teach me a lesson?

She came through my French windows, dressed as a French maid
With French wine, French bread and a kiss
We locked her French poodle outside and I said:
"Louise, it just doesn't get any Frencher than this!"

Though she was attractive and très charmante
In some ways, her behavior was strange
She insisted on hanging a sign on the doorknob
That said: "please do not derange."

"Naughty man!" She said, "you have broken la Loi
So now you are under arrest
You must come quietly," she told me, and so
I did - all over her dress

Louise, Louise, I'm down on my knees
At this game I am somewhat newish
Louise, Louise, do whatever you please
Beat me, whip me, tell me I'm Jewish

"French must be protected from English,"
She told me, as I was admiring her figure
And I saw that she did have some cause for complaint
For I was at least one third bigger

She took out a tape measure and gave me a look
And I must say it gave me a scare
Till I saw that she only intended to measure
The size of my dic - tionnaire

Louise, Louise, I'm begging you please
Let's get married without delay
And then we'll have children and they'll be allowed
To go to school on our day