The most important thing is to have a baguette. You know why French waiters always have a baguette? "Would Madame care for anything else?"
It's a wonderful thing ...

You English, you look so tense
You should learn to speak French
Sitting here at my café.

You always look so uptight
But I can show you tonight
What it means: "hip hip! Beret."

Your English mouth is going down
As if you wear a constant frown
And when you speak it always comes out clipped.

But your face will be unclenched
When you start speaking French
And you finally can move your lips.

You should speak French
And your face will look like this
When you speak French
You can't help it - you make a kiss.

French has always been
The language of Haute Cuisine
We sauté, but you English 'turn.'

A bowl of food is not a stew
it's a 'bouillabaisse,' or a 'ragout'
and we 'flambé' but you English 'burn.'

We 'soufflé,' you are stuffed
We 'étouffé,' you get stuffed
For food the English language fails

Escargot, you must agree
Is a fine delicacy
But who would ever order 'snails'

You should speak French
You will have the paté de foie gras
If you speak French
You might even have a fromage à trois

We English are cold fishes
To us foreplay is washing dishes
We're so full of shame and guilt

When an Englishman makes love
It's because they closed the Pub
We can't help it, it's the way we're built

So teach me how to live
How to know joie de vivre
And maybe even wear 'Buffalo' jeans
Teach me how to dress
With elan and finesse

And teach me what 'oo la la' means
I want to speak French
- Francais
Je vais demander, encore une fois
Say something in French
OK, come on ...

'voulez-vous coucher avec moi?'

Ne touchez pas ma baguette!