You English, you look so tense
You should learn to be French
Sitting here at my cafe.
You always look so uptight
But I could show you tonight
What it means 'Hip, hip - beret!"

Your English mouth is going down,
As if you were a constant frown
And when you speak it always comes out clipped
But your face will be unclenched
When you start speaking French
And you finally can move your lips

You should speak French
And your face will look like this ..
When you speak French
You can't help it - you make a kiss.

You see, French has always been
The language of haute cuisine
We 'sautee', and you English turn.
A bowl of food is not a stew
It's a bouillabaisse or a ragout
And we flambé, but you English burn.

We souffle, you are puffed,
We étouffé, you get stuffed
For food the English language fails
An escargot, you must agree,
Is a fine delicacy,
But who would ever order 'snails'?

You should speak French
You could have the pâté de foie gras
If you speak French,
You might even have a ... fromage à trois.

We English are cold fishes
To us foreplay is washing dishes
We're so full of shame and guilt
When an Englishman makes love
It's because they closed the pub
We can't help it, it's the way we're built

So teach me how to live
How to know, joie de vivre
And maybe even wear Buffalo jeans
Teach me how to dress with elan and finesse
And teach me what 'gabarit' means.

I want to be French
Come on don't be scared
Say something in French, you can do it.
...Mange la merde.

Thank you, it's not quite what I had in mind.
Je vous remercie, je vous remercie, je vous remercie du fond de mon coeur, thank you from
the heart of my bottom.