I grabbed my cigarette pack this morning,
Read the government health warning
That says if I smoke I'll never get old.
Well, it's true that cigarettes can kill
But it's not the smoke that makes me ill,
It's having to smoke standing outside in the cold.

"Avoid inhaling" says the government,
I wonder what the hell that meant
I find that logic kind of hard to follow
It's like if you got a bottle of Johnny Walker Red
And the label on the bottle said:
"You can drink all this whiskey - but don't swallow.

I told my dentist my teeth were yellow
He says: "well young fellow
Go out and buy a brown tie."
So then I laughed, then I coughed,
Then he said: "You should stop."
I said: "I would, but coughing is my only form of exercise."

I'm still a smoker I confess
I'm still a smoker - come here and smell my breath,
You Health Nuts - get off my case
I blow my smoke right in your face
Go on out and jog yourself to death.

Hey, you know smoking is bad for the health
I even admit that to myself
I'm not here to tell you that it's alright
Why just the other day I almost died
I almost burst a blood vessel when I tried
To get a decent drag off a Matinee Light

It's time you people learned the facts
We smokers pay a lot more tax
And then to find somewhere to smoke is really tough
But what bugs me about non-smokers
Is these are the same jokers
Who come up to you at parties and say: "Can I have a puff?"

And non-smokers make me grind my molars
What a bunch of holy rollers
Making iout like I'm not as good as them
Well I'll tell you something folks it's true
Non-smokers cough and splutter too
And you shouldn't judge a person by the color of their phlegm

"Gross!"
Thank you

I was smoking a dinner the other day
When this lady turns to me to say:
"Oh - that's really sad. You must be hooked."
She has the nerve to ask me next:
"Do you smoke after sex?"
I said: "I don't know - I never looked."

I'm still a smoker I confess
I'm still a smoker - come here and smell my breath
You Health Nuts, get off my case
I blow my smoke right in your face
Now go on out and jog yourself to death

(Hack, hack ... spit)
Anybody got a cracker?