I was watching TV one night in my home
In my cozy Westmount encampment
When I saw a young woman whose name was Louise
Complaining that English was rampant

'Rampant', I thought - what on earth does she mean?
My thesaurus says 'excessive' and 'rank'
'Unbridled' and 'wanton', 'luxuriant' and 'raging',
I've been a bad boy, I should be spanked!

I wrote her a letter, I said: "we must meet
Even though we've had no introduction.
I'm ready to throw myself down at your feet
If you'll give me some private instruction.

'Louise,' I wrote, 'please meet me tonight.'
She replied, "never, hostie!"
I was excited, but just to be sure,
I said, "neuf heures? Or neuf heures et demie?"

Louise, Louise, I'm down on my knees
I've been bad and now I'm confessing
I'm loose and immoral
I failed my French oral
Please won't you teach me a lesson?

She came through my French windows, dressed as a French maid
With French wine, French bread and a kiss
We locked her French poodle outside and I said:
"Louise, it just doesn't get any Frencher than this!"

Though she was attractive and très charmante
In some ways, her behavior was strange
She insisted on hanging a sign on the doorknob
That said: "please do not derange."

"Naughty man," she said: "you have broken la loi,
So now you are under arrest
You must come quietly," she told me,
And so I did, all over her dress

Louise, Louise, I'm down on my knees
At this game I am somewhat newish
Louise, Louise, do whatever you please
Beat me, whip me - tell me I'm Jewish

"French must be protected from English!"
She told me as I was admiring her figure
And I saw that she did have some cause for complaint
For I was at least one third bigger

She took out a tape measure and gave me a look
And I must say it gave me a scare
Till I saw that she only intended to measure
The size of my dic ... tionnaire

Louise, Louise, I'm begging you please
Let's get married without delay
And then we'll have children, and they'll be allowed
To go to school en anglais.