I was watching TV one night in my home in my cozy Westmount encampment
When I saw a young woman whose name was Louise, complaining that English was rampant
Rampant, I thought, what on earth does she mean? My thesaurus says excessive and rank
Unbridled and wanton, luxuriant and raging, I've been a bad boy, I should be spanked
I wrote her a letter, I said, we must meet even though we've had no introduction
I'm ready to throw myself down at your feet if you'll give me some private instruction
Louise, I wrote, please meet me tonight, she replied, never!
I was excited, but just to be sure, I said, never or never in the mean
Louise, Louise, I'm down on my knees, I've been bad and now I'm confessing
I'm loose and immoral, I failed my French oral, please won't you teach me a lesson?
She came through my French windows, dressed as a French maid with French wine, French bread and a kiss
We locked her French poodle outside and I said, Louise, it just doesn't get any Frencher than this
Though she was attractive and très charmante in some ways, her behavior was strange
She insisted on hanging a sign on the doorknob that said, please do not derange
Naughty man, she said, you have broken la loi, so now you are under arrest
You must come quietly, she told me, and so I did, all over her dress
Louise, Louise, I'm down on my knees, at this game I am somewhat newish
Louise, Louise, do whatever you please, beat me, whip me, tell me I'm Jewish
French must be protected from English, she told me as I was admiring her figure
And I saw that she did have some cause for complaint, for I was at least one third bigger
She took out a tape measure and gave me a look, and I must say it gave me a scare
Till I saw that she only intended to measure the size of my dictionary
Louise, Louise, I'm begging you please, let's get married without delay
And then we'll have children, and they'll be allowed to go to school on our day
Oh, yes, no, no more reflexive verbs, no more subjectives, no more irregularities