Life can be trouble, and I know I've often struggled
To complete what they call a daily grind.
And I read that some guys who are very, very wise
Say that life only happens in your mind.

Well, if that is a rule and they're teaching it in school
I go straight to the bottom of the class.
And maybe I'm dense, but in my experience
My whole life has happened to my ass.

It's been hauled, it's been kicked, it's been got out of town
It's been burned, it's been yours, it's been mine.
And it's never been a prize
Sometimes it has been wise
And it's pretty much always been on the line.

I've had to watch it and cover it, and find it in the dark
And I've been invited to park it somewhere.
I've got it out of the way, and I've busted it all day
And my old lady says my head is up there.

I hear people saying it's where there is a pain
It can be smart, it can be dumb, it can be tight.
And it's hers, and it's his, and it's what the law is
And it's where things come back to bite.

And it's where people kiss up, and it's where people get whupped
And it's referred to by people who scoff.
And if you want to turn a profit, you have to get off it.
And if you're lucky, sometimes you laugh it off.

The other day I went and had a colonoscopy.
That's when they stick a camera in your insides.
I followed the instructions and prepared most carefully
Because believe me, there's no place you can hide.

It was expertly administered, as far as I could tell
By someone with a lot of know-how.
His work was most impressive, and I thanked him very much.
And he said: "Good, I'll go and get the doctor, now..."

I passed my colonoscopy, my colon is first class
Whatever else is wrong with me.
At least I have a perfect ass
A perfect ass, a perfect ass.
If you're a lad or you're a lass
A perfect ass - it isn't crass
We all want to see one, but you can even be one
If you really, really try, until the day you die
Anyone can be a perfect ass