Toronto, come to Toronto
I can hardly wait to talk about real estate
Come to Toronto, come to Toronto
Bend over and someone will drive you home

I wandered down to Queen Street
Looking for a date
I met a girl who said her name was Anne
She was young and she was slender
She was sweet and 17
The trouble is she also was a man

Toronto, come to Toronto
We can have a ball, whoops - too late last call
Toronto, come to Toronto
Bend over and someone will drive you home

I went into a restaurant, I ordered tongue à la français
And my waiter came and stuck it in my ear
I turned to my companion and I said
"If I were you I wouldn't order the Greek sausage here."

Toronto, come to Toronto
Don't believe that shit, it hasn't changed a bit
Come to Toronto, come to Toronto
Bend over and someone will drive you home

Ah, the beaches, the Danforth
Chinatown High Park
And the area we haven't mentioned yet
I mean the Red Light District
You know where that is
It's right behind the Maple Leafs net

Toronto, come to Toronto
An Indian word that means
"It's boring, but it's clean."
Toronto, come to Toronto
Bend over and someone will drive you home

I went down to Yorkville,
I had a couple drinks
And then I did something crazy and unplanned
I went up to the mic and yelled
"Who's from Montreal?"
And everybody there put up their hand

Toronto, come to Toronto
A place that's come to stand
For the triumph of the bland
Toronto, come to Toronto
Bend over and someone will drive you home

Italians, Orientals and French
Blacks, Portuguese
You're all Canadians now, that's your fate
But what binds us all together across this land of ours
Is Toronto, the place we love to hate!

Toronto, come to Toronto
Come on, Via Rail
Read the Globe and Mail
Toronto, come to Toronto
You could make a bundle
You might even meet Ernst Zundl
Bend over and someone will drive you home