Things you will never hear in Calgary, starting with number 10:
- That Trudeau guy's got a lot of interesting ideas
Things you'll never ever hear in Calgary, number nine:
- I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex.
Things you never hear in Calgary number eight:
- I just don't see myself in a pickup truck
Things you never hear in Calgary, number seven:
- I don't watch wrestling. It's fake
Things you'll never hear in Calgary, number six:
- Hey, let's try that new vegetarian restaurant
Things you'll never ever hear in Calgary, number five:
- My fiancé, Bob, is registered at Tiffany's
Things you never ever hear in Calgary, number four:
- I'm a huge fan of the Maple Leafs
Things you never hear in Calgary, number three:
- The problem with this country is there's just not enough French
Things you'll never hear in Calgary, number two:
- I find that too many deer heads detract from the decor
Finally our list of the things you'll never ever hear Calgary. This is number one:
- Hey, great news: David Suzuki's in town

Now we'd like to contrast that with things you'll never ever hear in Montreal
Starting with number 10:
- I'm not worried the PQ is in charge
Things you never hear in Montreal, number nine:
- I don't do jobs for cash
Things you'll never hear in Montreal, number eight:
- How can I take a sick day? I'm not really sick
Things you never hear in Montreal, number seven:
- Wait, we can cross safely at the next corner
Things you never hear in Montreal, number six:
- No gravy for me, thank you
Things you'll never hear in Montreal, number five:
- Okay, as long as it's not alcoholic
Things you never hear in Montreal, number four:
- I'm a huge fan of the Maple Leafs
Things you'll never hear in Montreal, number three:
- I can't. I'm married
Things you never hear in Montreal, number two:
- That turban looks great on you
Finally our list of the things you'll never ever hear in Montreal, this is number one:
- Look, the driver in the next lane is slowing down to let me in