I was working on a station out near Adelaide
When on one fateful day the foreman came and said:
"We're moving with the times, son
So get this through your head
There's a woman going to work with you."

I said: "Oh, no!"

Well when she shook my hand, she nearly broke my wrist
She had a tattoo'd skull and crossbones right there on her fist
She said: "I'm going home with you, mate."
I said: "Alright - if you insist
But I'll have to move the sheep out first."

Now I'm in like wth a dyke named Spike,
I'm in like!
Who needs me like a pike, needs a bike
Needs a bike!
And she never wears pearls
And she goes out with girls
I'm in like with a dyke named Spike.

She was built like a bear, she weighed 244
And she blocked out the sun when she walked in the door
And then just for a laugh she used to knock me to the floor
She was big, she was bad, she was mean

And then she'd go out every evening, though I begged her to stay
Yes I groveled and I pleaded in the most disgusting way
And then she'd just take my overalls and walk out anyway,
I tell you that woman was utterly devoid of human compassion

Now I'm in like wth a dyke named Spike,
I'm in like!
Who needs me like a pike, needs a bike
Needs a bike!
And she never wears pearls
And she goes out with girls
I'm in like with a dyke named Spike.

What about it?
What?
Take it up?
Alright.
Alright.
Let's go.
One, two, three.

Yes I slaved every day trying to clean up the place
And then she'd come home drunk and just belch in my face
And then she'd relieve herself in mother's favourite porcelain vase
And pass out and snore all night.
Disgusting.
Awful.
And then she started hanging around with a wrestler from Japan
Who used to say the most dreadful things to me that I couldn't understand
And then they just ended up sitting there kicking me while they were holding hands.
It was awful,
but still.

Now I'm in like wth a dyke named Spike,
I'm in like!
Who needs me like a pike, needs a bike
Needs a bike!
And she never wears pearls
And she goes out with girls
I'm in like with a dyke named Spike.

Nobody's bloody singing along.
How?
I can tell that.
What do you think?
Let's take it up.
Alright.
Oh.
Oh.

Well, I'm still out there looking for the lady of my dreams
And I've never met a princess, but I've a cousin, who's a queen
And Spike's taken all my furniture, every single bit,
But darling, as long as I've got a face,
You've got a place to sit.

Now I'm in like wth a dyke named Spike,
I'm in like!
Who needs me like a pike, needs a bike
Needs a bike!
And she never wears pearls
And she goes out with girls
I'm in like with a dyke named Spike.

Ah, come on darling.