Take my wife, please take my wife
She ain't no Jessica Lang, but that's life
We try to keep romance alive with dinner and candlelight
I go out on Tuesday evening, she goes out on Wednesday night

Take my wife, please take my wife
No, she ain't no Julia Child, but that's life
Because when she cooks a meal for me, it's like I was divine
I guess that's why she brings me, a burnt offering every time

Oh, hey, I ain't no phony, can't you see?
All this ain't no baloney, this is me
So I'll call you up one evening when I'm free
It ain't it funny how my life is, I'm not married but my wife is

Hey baby, I'm always attracted to the most beautiful girl in the room
And you know, I'm drawn to you like a moth to a flame
What sign are you on? Virgo? I didn't think there were any of those left
Me? Oh, I'm a feces, penis rising
Listen, let's go to that new Jewish American princess porn film downtown
Yeah, the one that's called Debbie Does Nothing
Listen, if you can guess what I have in my hand, you can go home with me tonight, okay?
An elephant? That's close enough
Hey, what do you mean? Hey, I got in this business to get laid
I'm gonna stay in it until I do

Oh, take my wife, please take my wife
She ain't no Linda Lovelace, but that's life
You know when we make love, her eyes stay closed till it's over and done
I guess she just can't stand to see me, having any fun

Oh, hey, I ain't no phony, can't you see?
This ain't no baloney, this is me
I'll call you up one evening when I'm free
Ain't it funny how my life is?
I'm not married, but my wife is
Won't somebody
Take my wife?